Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)

I don't want to ever pray again. Prayers are vaccine and amulet. They are done to repel or attract a thing, a someone, an event or a desired result.

Her voice was panicked, desperate. She said she feared for his safety. He has abandoned his family and refuses any kind of contact in order to be with a young woman who, upon asking around, has a reputation a mile long and lives in the worst neighborhood. She implored that I pray the novena with her so that he returns safe (and soon) back to our parents.

That was the pivotal moment -- I said no. To pray for his return is to wish against where he wants to be and how he wants to be.

She was in disbelief at what she heard. A tone laced with a hint of accusation in it, she asked, "Even if your elderly parents are suffering from anxiety and their health is being affected by his absence??". I responded with a slow and quiet breath. The pause was intended to emphasize my answer and, without any attached emotion I said, "Yes, even if our parents' health are suffering as a consequence."

Once, I lived through her hell. It was a helpless fear-desperation paired with the haunting what-if's scenes running amok in my head. As the wretched sobs racked through my body, there I was on my knees in grief looking for a life line. Through tear-blurred vision, I fumbled for a name and a number to call on my cellphone. It was surreal. I heard myself ask for something I've never asked anyone for in my whole life: to pray for something for me.

My vulnerability undressed me to myself; a vulnerability that is the bitter fruit in the belief of a personal self. And prayers, they only fortified the illusory ego-made boundary.

Prayers want anything other than what is. It is meant to exorcize the looming uncertainty and sedative for every present pain.

But then, I see, this thing I call me, having a name and an address, is really mostly ocean mixed with earth. This 75%-30% combination, bi-pedal in shape is called human. It's still mostly water.

And this brings me to...

Emotions are the waves on the ocean of my being. Emotions appear and disappear with the same constancy that waves do on the surface of the sea.

I watch, not judge, not measure, nor wish to change the undulations of anger, doubt and desires as they roll in...and out on the shores of my daily life.

I will no longer inoculate myself from feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness.

To pray is to hold my heart hostage against myself.

Let me be a silent surrendering to All, including what terrifies and depresses.

I free fall untethered to any deity except for the one ever present within.